"Do babies feel pain?" My response.

Warning, this picture will make you cry.

Gloria Lemay, long L O N G  time intactivist posts a blog about the pain of circumcision (below).  One of the comments below the article struck a cord in me:

"Advocacy & guilt - I was wondering, I am staunchly against circumcision in both boys and girls, but standing up and advocating against male circumcision has the potential to seriously offend not only my close girlfriends who have circ’ed their babies, but men who are circ’ed and are offended that I take such a strong view against it. How do you handle these two situations when you advocate against circumcision? I am not interested in guilting mothers who have already had this procedure performed on their children, but desperate to raise awareness and stop the assumptions and misinformation surrounding male circumcision. Your thoughts are welcome!"

As I've said on many previous blogs about MGM, I suffer the guilt of knowing that I allowed my beautiful perfect eldest son to have his foreskin cut off. I will live with that guilt till then end of time. But I would not be the staunch intactivist that I am today if it wasn't for two friends who explained to me many years ago about the horrific torture that is male circumcision and showed me the information that said that it was an unnecessary surgery. Was I instantly enlightened?  Did I immediately see the errors of my ways?  No.  At first I refused to believe them, but the question had been planted.  That question nagged at me. Nag Nag Nag.  So in an effort to alleviate my own building sense of guilt and to hopefully find  something that would prove that I did the right thing, I started to research. And the more I researched, the more horrified I became.  The guilt came crashing down.

But here's the thing.  I had a choice.  Now that I had this information, I could either:

A- Completely deny the truth and pretend that I was right by convincing  myself that I DID make the right decision to circumcise my son.

B- Completely accept the truth of what I had done and use my newly acquired enlightenment to reach out to others.

I could of chosen to rail against my friends, taking my hidden guilt out on them, refusing to admit that I had made a mistake, but instead I choose to accept my mistake, to own it and learn from it. I choose to tell others about the horrible thing that I did to my 3 day old son, so that THEY will know that THEY do not have to make the same mistake, that THEY also can change their stand on circumcision, that THEY do not have to continue to perpetuate this atrocity on other sons that they might have in the future. I am more than happy to share my story and my guilt to insure that other parents and their innocent babies do not have to suffer the way that my son and I have. My guilt has given me the passion to speak out and share my knowledge where ever possible.

It's not easy taking the difficult road and being the one that speaks out against so many things that society accepts as "normal".  When I post on public forums about the risks of medical interventions in childbirth, about the horrors of circumcision, about the evil marketing ploys of infant formula companies, I am ridiculed and ostracised by many many mothers/parents. It's not fun.  But in the end, I know that my posts have helped many many families onto the road to education and to making  truly informed decisions for themselves and their children.  If I can help even one person with my words, then I'll continue telling my story and spreading the correct information far and wide whenever I can. And I will tell you something: Hearing just one person say "Thank you so much for helping me" can make all the negativity that that has been dumped by those not willing to hear the truth or to admit that they were wrong completely disappear. 

So don't be afraid to speak out.  Don't be afraid to share your knowledge.  If your friends and family can not accept your decisions and your passion, then they have the choice of not reading your words and igoring your message.  Its'a free world and we can't change everyone.  But you never know when your words might be the seed to greater learning later on.!!

Do Babies Feel Pain? This one does

Circumcision (Khatna) of my son, originally uploaded by K.A.Y (Kamran.Ayub.Yousafzai).

This photo says more than any doctor, nurse, or parent could about the human rights violation that male genital mutilation entails.
Prior to this awful device crushing the foreskin, the other clamp that is hanging off to the side was used to ream around inside the foreskin to separate the skin from the glans. The newborn foreskin is adhered to the glans like your fingernail is adhered to the finger. That procedure is pure torture, too. 

HERE to go to the original blog post by Gloria Lemay

"Circumcision and Mothers"

It's all about our sons.  I too do not understand how a mother can be so cavalier with a part of her baby boys body. Having been on both sides of the issue of Male Circumcision- allowing my eldest son to be circumcised due to my own ignorance and absolute faith in the medical societies as a whole (I mean hey!  If male circumcision is covered by our provincial health care insurance (1991), then it must be  a necessary procedure and something "everyone" does to their baby boys, right...?), and now being so absolutely opposed to Male Genital Mutilation, I can see both sides of the coin. What truly boggles my mind are mothers that refuse to do the research, refuse to read the information about male Circumcision and still go ahead and mutilate their precious baby boys. Would they do the same thing to their daughters if it was "customary"?  Our sons deserve equal protection. "What about our sons?" is an article I wrote on exactly this topic.

I feel that grief about my decision to allow my son to be circumcised almost 19 years ago, but I do not hide from it.  It is that grief that gives me the strength to continue the battle, to bring the real information to light, educate parents,  and to work towards having male circumcision banned. 


IT's like I say continuously:  We are parents, we are not perfect.  If we have made a mistake, if we feel guilty about a decision we made in the past, then OWN it. Do what you can to make that mistake count for something, even if it's just admitting that we were wrong and doing what we can to make it right.

 

 Circumcision and Mothers

I and my husband lately have been talking, and the issue of circumcision (I really hate that name, it makes it sound all pretty and clinical, I personally prefer genital mutilation and human right's violation) has really been weighing on our hearts lately.  We want to get more involved - in helping people, in educating people, and in the political arena.

Some people I'm sure think that I am judgmental or dogmatic.  I'm really not.  It just hurts my heart so much and I feel so much compassion towards all those poor baby boys out there and their loving but naive moms. 

I especially like just talking about the myths - there are so many crazy myths out there about circumcision, and its so interesting to me when people say, oh, I didn't know that - or - I didn't realize that.  Its the same as when I was teaching and a student finally gets that light of understanding in their eyes, and you know that you did your job well that day.

Moms are especially hard.  I think a lot of mothers have damaged psyches as well.  If they admit that it was something that was wrong, that they deliberately harmed their child, they would have to go through a grieving process and would have to live with the sorrow of that decision. It is easier to cling to their cultural/social/religious biases than to deliberately open themselves up to pain. It takes a strong, intelligent, confident woman to admit that circumcising her sons was wrong. I really feel sorrow and compassion towards both type of mothers - the strong and the weak.   Link to help with grieving circumcision

Some moms hang so tightly onto their beliefs, that even if their adult son came to them and said, I wish you had not done this to me, I wish I had my foreskin, I'm going to have to spend a lot of money and work very hard on restoring my foreskin - even if they were armed with this information, and could go back in time knowing what they know now - they still would circumcise.  And that is something I barely understand.

Some moms actually have had the gall to say - if he doesn't know what he's missing, he won't miss it.  And who's going to tell him that he should miss it but some vigilante mom telling him that circumcision is wrong.  That is one of the most sexist statements I have ever come across on a board.  I discussed this with my husband, and he says that it is very prevalent today to think of men of being incapable of thinking for themselves.  You can be as insulting as you want to men these days - its like some sort of feminist payback.  Just turn it around and apply it to women - oh, your family has breast cancer, so we're going to cut off your child's breasts - don't worry, if she doesn't know what she's missing, she won't miss it.  Some man might tell her that what was done to her was wrong, but we'll continue to tell her that it is no big deal, and she'll believe us.  She doesn't have much of a brain and won't look it up for herself.   Etc. Etc. Etc.  sigh.
Link to show what "he is missing" 
Prepuce video - The Prepuce  an informative video
Circumcised men psyche ink

The things that women will say astounds me, especially on the topic of GM.  I keep hearing, it should be a parent's choice.  Why?  Men are suing doctors RIGHT NOW AND WINNING for mutilating their genitals WITHOUT THEIR INFORMED CONSENT.   Who cares if a parent gives their consent - as a doctor, they are obliged by their own ethical code to do no harm to their patient without an informed consent.  A baby, obviously, can not give consent.  So all these doctors are very obviously being sued for malpractice. DUH.  Of course, until it reaches the billions of dollars that performing circumcisions bring in, unfortunately, it is all just a drop in the bucket.

Which comes back to helping parents.   The most fervent intactivists I know are the ones who allowed their first born to be circumcised, and then discovered too late that it was the wrong decision.  They are the ones who are spend countless hours helping educate parents so that those parents don't have to live with regret.

HERE to read the whole article on the original site

When Activism becomes Detractivism

Why oh why can't we all just get along?  When it comes to fiery debates, there doesn't seem to be a topic more incendiary  than "Parenting"... well, maybe religion and politics, but still, you know what I mean right?  I have never understood the need for people to bash other groups that don't follow your beliefs to the letter.  We are all different people and we all make the best choices we can according to our own experiences, knowledge, and background.  Are those choices always right?  Are those choices always guilt-free? Are those choices always painless?  No, they aren't.  We are human, not omnipotent.  We can not know all the answers in advance.  We can not always make the "right" decision.  And we can not be perfect parents 100% of the time.

WE try our best.  We do our best. Then we live with the decisions we have made.

Someone once told me that no one can give you guilt. No one can force you to feel guilty.  Guilt is an emotion that we generate within our selves, and we can choose what we want to do with that emotion.  We can wallow in self pity, we can paint ourselves the martyr and point fingers at everyone else, we can rail at society for forcing these emotions upon us...
...or we can accept it, use it to guide our future steps and start healing from the hurt it has caused.

The choices someone else has made for their family and their children and themselves is not about "us".  Even if we have spent countless hours advising and educating someone, they still are responsible for making the final decision for themselves.  If they make a decision that we don't agree with, well..... that it their prerogative and THEY have to live with the final outcome.

Why is it that people feel the need to resort to insults and swearing? I realize that parenting involves a huge amount of decisions and most parents base their choices on their own past and the influences of their family and friends. AND that nothing cause more debate than the choices in parenting that each mother and father has to make. Where there is discussion, there is debate. where there is debate, there is arguments….. FINE! I get it.

But why do people who have made their decisions feel the need to scream and throw tantrums and play junior highschool school yard games?!?

OK I’m goign to be blunt and just come out and say this:

Why is it that people who make choices that are NOT based on facts and research are the worst offenders when it comes to mud slinging?! Be it Breastfeeding and formula feeding, circumcision debates, natural birthing vs interventions and elective C/Sections, CIO or AP parenting……. I’m sorry but the facts are the facts. If you don’t want to know the facts, or are happy in the decisions you’ve made Regardless of the facts, then fine- it’s your decision to make. But don’t come screaming after others, calling names and swearing and making horrifying allegations just because they are stating the facts!!!! If you’re satisfied with your decisions then be satisfied that you're doing what you want to do. But don’t call me a breast nazi, because I’m posting information about breastfeeding that is based on solid facts that are accepted world wide by every single major health organization!!

We all make “mistakes”.  W all make decisions based on the information (or lack there of) that we have at the time. If it turns out to be wrong, well we just have to deal with it and do what we can to rectify the situation, if possible. I started my eldest daughter Quinlin on baby cereal at 3.5 months!!! Why? because a health nurse told me to. So I did. Now I know it wasn’t the right thing to do and yes, I feel guilty that I didn’t research it better before going ahead. But I don’t turn around and get defensive and insult people who talk about Baby Led Weaning!!!

…..If you’re feeling guilty because you know that you didn’t make the right decision, then don’t yell at me. Own up to it and accept it. and make changes that will ease your guilt. Deal with it. Don't sling mud at others just because you can’t face up to your own mistakes or poor decisions.

And if someone makes a decision that goes against your grain, well, it's their decision to make.  Yelling and pointing fingers is NOT going to make them change their decision.  I don't know about you, but I'm stubborn: if someone starts ranting at me and telling me I did it all wrong, there is a good chance that I'll embrace my mistake even further and try to justify it even more.

I wrote an article for Natural Mothering a while ago on this topic.  Whenever I start to get hot under the collar over a burning debate I'll re-read this article just to remind my self that how I respond to the debate/argument/question, may have a far greater influence depending on how I reply.

 

When Activism becomes Detractivism

Written by Dani Arnold-McKenny   

Everyone has something that they are passionate about. Everyone has a cause that owns a special corner of their heart. Whether its saving the rain forests, freeing Tibet, going "green", equal rights for women, pro abortion, anti abortion, pro capital punishment, anti capital punishment, etc , ........Everyone has at least one thing that they are willing to stand up for, that they will jump into the fray with both (metaphorical) fists swinging, debating their passion till the wee hours of the morning.

You are right. You know you're right. And you will defend your cause/choice/moral obligation regardless of how many oppose you, or how loudly they bellow, because you have the passion that drives you to do so.

Now obviously some causes are considered more worthy than others to the average person on the street. Some causes are such social absolutes, that no one in their right mind would ever take the opposing chair against it in a debate. No one is going to disagree that someone in a wheelchair should have access to the public library. Or refute that all children deserve a roof over the heads, food on the table, access to education and medical care. These are definitely safe causes to champion: easy, non confrontational and completely acceptable.

But what if your passion is for a something that isn't so non confrontational? What if that passion that fills that special corner of your heart is one side of a heated debate, waiting to erupt into a boiling frenzy just by openly declaring it to others? What then? Will you enter into the grand melee carrying your colours aloft and brandishing your cause with sharpened words, leaving a field of the fallen in your wake, regardless of their cries for mercy (or at least for a moment to explain)? Or are you the enlightened one that sits with infinite patience, willing to speak the words of reason with an aura of calm that might quiet even the most boisterous of opposers?

The two sides of this coin can be likened to Vinegar and honey: One of them will catch the flies.

Passion burns brightest in the middle of a heated debate. And it can be beautiful in its eloquence, or scarred and ugly in its words of condemnation and accusation. Is the message getting lost because the flame is blinding? Is the message getting lost because the fire it possesses is burning everyone it comes in contact with

I am an advocate for Breastfeeding and Natural Childbirth Education. And let me tell you, nothing lights the fires of debate like both of these topics. Breastfeeding Advocates are very passionate in their endeavors to normalize Breastfeeding and to build support systems. Education is the key to changing the world around us. But when does education become condemnation? When does Activism become Detractivism?...

HERE to read the entire article