"Daddy & Me"

A brilliant post from Attachment Parenting about the dynamics of  the daddy bond. Some of her greater insights of her role as mommy  lifted the blinkers off my eyes and made me see my own role with much more clarity.
"I can sometimes see a little pain in my husband’s eyes when our son refuses to go to him willingly and instead clings to me. Sometimes I have to force myself not to explain to him that this is “just a stage” once again. That doesn’t help. He isn’t looking for an explanation. His brain already knows; it’s just that sometimes his heart doesn’t remember."
  I can honestly say that this article might just be vital reading for every mother to read.  Too often I think that most mommy's feel the need to step in between daddy and child- we are often the major care person in our child's life and I think that many of us tend to forget that daddy's role is not ours.  That daddy has to find his own role in the life of his child and that our interference isn't necessarily going to make that search easier or quicker!!

Daddy and Me

by Jasmine Carlson on March 12, 2010

Sometimes I feel bad for my husband. He is a great guy and has been an awesome father. He was with me at every prenatal visit and right by my side throughout my labor. He cut our son’s chord as hisst two nights of our son’s life as he cried with colic. He helped my change my clothes and even took care of my postpartum pads. So now when my son cries when his daddy takes him or yells “NO” at him and reaches for me I feel a little sad. I know it is just a stage. I know that I am the “favorite” at the moment because my son and I spend all day every day together. Because I breastfed and have been up with him most of his other waking nights since Daddy went back to work. I can sometimes see a little pain in my husband’s eyes when our son refuses to go to him willingly and instead clings to me. Sometimes I have to force myself not to explain to him that this is “just a stage” once again. That doesn’t help. He isn’t looking for an explanation. His brain already knows; it’s just that sometimes his heart doesn’t remember.

I have noticed a few things about father/son time though. I step in too often. I tend to think since I am here all of the time that daddy needs to do things the way mommy does them and I am seeing that that is just not the case. I need to move over and make room for the relationship that they are developing, the one that I am not a part in. I need to remember that sometimes daddy knows best because he too invested the time to become firmly attached to our son. Now they have to figure out how to work out the kinks in their relationship and as they do they will learn more about each other and grow even closer together. As I have let go more and more and backed up and encouraged my husband in his relationship with our son I have seen some wonderful
things start to happen. Daddy got him to start using the potty. Daddy is the one he wants to read him books. My son asks for daddy every day. They take naps together. They wrestle. They eat sweets and think that they “get away with it” because mommy didn’t find out.
I love my boys and look forward to seeing my son grow in to a wonderful man like his daddy.
Jasmine is a co-housing community living mama with a passion for fierce writing. She blogs.
(These are all photos my hubby and our son as a newborn and at a few weeks old. Our son is now 20 months old.)

HERE to read the original Blog on Attachment Parenting 

I"m trying.... really I am!

Well everyone, the time has come the walrus said.... to fess up.

I'm not super mom, nor am I a super blogger.

I've tried to keep up with my blog- I've even got about 3 or 4 blogs half written in Word that just need some more time.... "Time" - HA! that's such a joke!! Having 4 kids at home- with the youngest being just 26 days old- seems to of created a trans-dimensional black hole that sucks up every extra second in my day, ROTF!!!!

I can deal with the dishes and the cooking. I can deal with getting my two daughters up and ready for school in the morning- breakfasts on the table (... you can lead a horse to water...), lunches packed, I can even find them matching socks and mittens (usually). I can sweep the floors and tidy the living room. I can even pick up the dirty socks and muddy mittens from yesterday and find the missing lunch box or a sharpened pencil (a rare commodity in our house).

Just a regular day in the trenches of our household.

Then we add our latest addition to our family.

I am nursing my 26 day old Ewok/I mean baby, on demand... which in my vernacular seriously means "Whenever he wants", be it every 20 minutes or for hours at a time (as is apparent by the fact that he's gained 2 pounds in 26 days!!lol), and Kael and I have started our adventure into the land of Elimination Communication, which, while very rewarding, requires more than a small bit of my attention. Luckily we are a babywearing family and while my youngest two beasties aren't quite ready for slinging a new born around, between Nick and I and the ever wondrous WRAP, and my daughters love of holding their littlest brother, Kael rarely finds himself lonely :>P Which makes reading his signals much easier as for the most part they mean "I'm hungry" or "I need to Pee/poop"...

I can deal with all of this.


....but OH GODs!!!!! Will someone please shoot the laundry troll that lives under my stairs!!! I CAN NOT keep up!! Oh, I can get the laundry organized, and even washed.... but when ever it comes out of the dryer it seems to cause serious consequences through out our house: small children decide to go to war (or fall off the couch... that they were using for a trampoline), the baby needs to poop, or nurse, or burp, or cuddle... the eldest DD needs help spelling "ardvark", the youngest DD decides to "help out" by "doing the dishes", "the Boy" decides to go surfing through the kitchen in the run-off from his older sister "doin the dishes"....OH! the baby needs to poop again..... and so the laundry is either forgotten in the dryer or in the laundry basket.... regardless, it never seems to get folded and put away in a safe spot (preferably, in the proper drawers), and always seems to end up on our bedroom floor- waiting oh so patiently for the black hole to spit out a couple of those stolen minutes so that it will finally make it to it's home. But when I'm not looking, the laundry troll sneaks out and runs through the semi organized piles of clean clothes, dragging pieces out into the hallway (where they get mixed up with the dirty laundry awaiting my undivided (rotf) attention, and if I'm really preoccupied he'll even find a puddle of mud (or ketchup, chocolate milk, pudding, applesauce, peanut butter....) and rub it all over his body and then roll through the laundry piles, for maximum devastation....

...I've never actually seen the laundry troll, but he must exist since everyone else in my family denies culpability, and my sweet children would NEVER lie about something like that .

*snort*

Anyway, I digress.

All I'm saying is that I'm trying my best. My children are clothed in (reasonably) clean outfits (well, except for my youngest nudist who refuses to wear clothing between the hours of 8am and 5pm), They are fed healthy foods (...ok, somewhat healthy foods), their homework is done (thanx to their father who is in charge of math and spelling, both of which I suck at), the house is tidy (ish.... again, mostly thanx to my darling hubby), and I can usually find a moment to at least read my emails once a day (twice if I'm lucky!).... but my blog..... my poor poor ignored blog.... well, it's gathering a bit of dust (great, one more thing to clean), but I PROMISE I'll get back to writing again soon.

No, really: I will!! The fact that it's taken me 3 hours, several revisions, 2 nursing sessions, multiple snacks for small beasties/I mean children, two potty emergencies (not Kael's), one potty break for kael, a change of clothing for me (there is only so long one can stand smelling like baby barf), and overseeing the building of an enormous fort in the middle of our living room .... Just to get this blog written... well, that doesn't mean that I won't have time tomorrow. Or the next day...

I'm blathering again.

Most of you are moms. You know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, all I'm saying is that please have patience and check back here often. I'm sure I'll find a way to get rid of that black hole sooner or later.

(anyone have Stephen Hawkings number?)

"Baby Wearing is Da Bomb!"

I loved this Blog by Woman Uncensored- she speaks my language!!

My youngest son is 2 and a half, and way back when logan was about 12 months old Nick and I decided that he was our last baby- 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls.... what could be more symmetrical than that?!? Well last summer the universe decided that symmetry wasn't our game and threw us a curve ball that brought me and the kids home from Africa early: We were expecting a new baby in February 2010.

Having decided that we were finished baby making and given the fact that we were moving to another continent, we gave away EVERYTHING.

Fast forward to this month, I finally decided that I'd better start gathering up baby things. Putting the call out to various friends and family (and visiting my favourite thrift stores), I knew that I wouldn't have a problem with sleepers and undershirts, (though socks seem to be not as easily found, lol), cloth diapers and receiving blankets.... But as I lamented to my partner Helen:

"I need a wrap!!!! and I don't have a Meitai!!"

But you know that you're a baby carrier junkie when you go into the basement and pull out the bin that you have stored those precious baby things that you can never part with and in it you discover: 4 sleepers, 3 special blankets, a bib and a hat or two....... and 2 ring slings, 1 pouch sling. 2 wraps, and enough spare rings, straps, buckles and fabric to make at least 1/2 a dozen meitais/slings!!!!

"Hello. My name is Dani, and I am a baby carrier junkie"

Of course, I still went out yesterday and bought another wrap....

Well! I didn't have one in that fabric and it was a good deal!!!

.....and I'm cutting out fabric today to make my hubby his very own Meitai in black with Star Wars fabric.... or maybe X-Men.....

The stroller is parked in the laundry room, but there's a baby carrier in just about every other room of the house. And my little UFC baby hasn't even arrived yet!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Baby Wearing is Da Bomb

How comfy does my little meatloaf look? She's a newborn here, but about 2 seconds after this pic was taken, she grew so rapidly that people wondered if I'd had an affair with the Michelin Man. Despite her abundant rolls and my wussy back, she and I were always comfy. Baby-wearing is da bomb, I'm tellin' ya! So awesome, it makes me use descriptions like "da bomb", yeesh, heaven help me! I personally used a MetroMamma Wrap, which comes in some super cute "bling" designs (like mine with the wings) as well as solid colors. I must admit, I'm naturally a blond, in addition to being clumsy and uncoordinated, and those carriers with all those straps and buckles were always just too complicated for me to use. I honestly was never able to get one on and baby in it without help from my hubby. Pretty pointless when he's gone at work much of the day! Fortunately, prior to having my 2nd daughter, I'd discovered the wonderful world of baby wearing beyond the ugly store-bought contraptions of confusion!...

HERE to read Woman Uncensored's entire article

"Why Does the Baby Cry?"

Peaceful Parenting posted this wonderful poem by Elsa Haas, and I had to share it with all of you.

"Why does the Baby Cry"
by Elsa Haas

Reality

Why does the baby cry?
(Dressed in his brand-new, powder blue, flame-retardant pajamas)
Why does the baby cry?
(Freshly laundered, recently fed, newly changed, just burped, and provided with a night-light)
Why does the baby cry?
(In his safety-sealed crib
All smoke detectors in working order
Temperature medically adjusted by thermostat
Baby monitor on
Emergency numbers in the speed-dial
Loving parents at the ready)
Why, oh WHY does the baby cry?

The baby cries
In the jungle or on the savannah
The baby cries
As the marauding beasts edge forward
The baby cries
For protection
The baby cries
To signal his tribe
The baby cries
(Hearing no heartbeat
Touching no warm skin
Mouthing no soft breast
Breathing no shared breath)
The baby cries
Alone in the wilderness

By Elsa Haas

Yet another Great article about the dangers and negative impacts of CIO type "baby training systems". Attachement parenting brings the greatest rewards to parents and children alike.

Crying for Comfort: Distressed Babies Need to Be Held

By Aletha Solter
Issue 122 Mothering Magazine, January/February 2004

The term “cry it out” refers to the practice of leaving babies in their cribs without picking them up, and letting them cry themselves to sleep. A modified version of this approach is to go to the baby every few minutes to pat her on the back or reassure her verbally (but not pick the baby up), and to increase the length of time gradually so that the baby eventually “learns” to fall asleep alone.
But there is no doubt that repeated lack of responsiveness to a baby’s cries—even for only five minutes at a time—is potentially damaging to the baby’s mental health. Babies who are left to cry it out alone may fail to develop a basic sense of trust or an understanding of themselves as a causal agent, possibly leading to feelings of powerlessness, low self-esteem, and chronic anxiety later in life. The cry-it-out approach undermines the very basis of secure attachment, which requires prompt responsiveness and sensitive attunement during the first year after birth.1

The attachment parenting movement is a healthy reaction to the harmful promotion of crying it out found in many parenting books. Attachment parents are aware of the possible emotional damage from leaving babies to cry alone, so they strive to meet their babies’ needs for physical closeness and responsiveness. However, attachment parents can overlook the beneficial, healing function of crying, and believe that their job is not only to respond to, but to stop all crying. This article describes how parents can further promote babies’ mental health by learning to recognize stress-release crying, and implementing what I call the “crying-in-arms” approach.....

...After the industrial revolution in the 18th century, the notion of “spoiling” became widespread in industrialized countries, and mothers were warned not to hold or respond to their infants too much for fear of creating demanding monsters. If the home was big enough, parents moved cradles and cribs to a separate room. With the infants sleeping alone in another room, it was easy for parents to follow the cry-it-out advice, even if it went against their gut instincts.

The decline in breastfeeding further contributed to the separation of mothers and infants. With bottle-feeding from birth on, the last remaining link to the mother’s body was removed, resulting in the deplorable, detached methods of child-rearing that predominated in Western civilizations during the 20th century....

...

Advantages of the Crying-In-Arms Approach
There are numerous advantages to allowing your baby to release stress by crying in your arms. First, you will help him heal from trauma, thereby avoiding the possible lifelong impact of prenatal or birth trauma. He will also heal regularly from the minor upsets of everyday life. Releasing pent-up stress from daily overstimulation or frustrations will allow him to have a longer attention span and greater confidence in learning new skills. He will probably also be more relaxed, and less whiny or demanding.

Your baby will also sleep better. Many parents who start using the crying-in-arms approach with older babies are delighted to find that their babies begin to sleep through the night, sometimes after months of frequent night wakings. The parents accomplish this shift while honoring their babies’ attachment needs, without ever leaving their babies to cry alone.

Another advantage of this approach is that toddlers who have cried enough as infants (while being held), and who continue to be supported emotionally as they grow older, are calm and gentle. They do not hit or bite other children. Toddlers who do not have opportunities to cry freely can become aggressive, hyperactive, obnoxious, or easily frustrated. These disagreeable behaviors are often caused by an accumulation of pent-up stress, or the impact of early trauma that has had no healthy outlet.

HERE to read the entire article